Let me think about that for a minute….

I started this blog in the hope that I would find my may to myself. That has not been an easy road but one that I am determined to continue travelling. I spend a lot of my time reading and because I obsesses crazily of a lot of things I will analyze things that come across my eyes. Often I would think that I can use the information to uplift someone else….yes very presumptuous of me!!! Well I got an email from a loved one recently and ..yes again I thought hmm i know a few people who could use this. Thankfully I did not pass it on..I kept it and used it to help me and I am glad to say this is becoming a pattern.

One stop that I have made a long the way to finding myself was to confront my attitudes; the not great, good and great ones. I have learned that I have one too many and maybe I have taken some from others that I should not have. Currently the one that gives me the most trouble is my “know it all” attitude. I’ll give a little background to where this monster came from. I vividly remember being in the car with my Dad looking out across the way at a settlement that had been in the news. I made a flippant comment which I cannot remember what I said but it made my father go into a discussion about conscious thinking which ended with him saying “Make sure you know what you are talking about before you do?” I adored my Dad and I thought he was the smartest person I had ever met. I wanted to be just like him and so I thought one of the things I can do is make sure that I know what I am talking about before I do. So the development of began, my Dad read a lot so, I read a lot always looking for information so that when I said something I knew what I was talking about.

However, that did not last long and it has morphed into this eternal fountain of information with nowhere to go; so what do I do with it? I chime in on every conversation with an opinion on whatever topic is being discussed. Now initially people found that amazing and even cute but as you get to know me better I am pretty sure it is annoying.

So as I move on from this stop in the road I need to speak less and take a minute to think about something and hopefully by then the discussion will have moved on to something else and begin the pattern again. Yes…let me think about that for a minute…..

Goodbye Can’t…Hello Can

Recently while setting up my goals for this year I came across an ad for “Outward Bound” ad and it really resonated with me. So I will first share it……
““This goodbye does not make me sad. I will not miss you. I have discovered what it feels like to do the unthinkable. The hard. The long. The challenging. You have no business here anymore. From now on, difficult will seem doable. I will see the impossible as simply not-yet-conquered. Farewell, Can’t. You will haunt me never again. Hello, Can. Welcome to my world.” ……
I know that in order to get what I don’t have I must do what I have never done and that usually entails tackling things that I deem “impossible”, “too hard”, “not for me”. I have to keep on going until I have accomplished what I set out to do.
So this year I say Goodbye can’t…..I am not sorry to break up with you

Running In My Veins

In an effort to get myself moving, I accepted and invite to a local dance studio from my buddy for some fun disguised as fitness. Yes…I have decided “to ditch the workout and join the party”. To be a fly on the wall would be the only way to enjoy this display of…..well….whatever you want to call it. Feeling very self-conscious coupled with the giant mirror running along the wall in front of me also did not help. However, after a few fumbles I focused on my following my Zumba Instructor and lo and behold…I started to party!!!!.
It’s now been a couple of months and I am really enjoying my self (well that’s part of another discussion). I love the music, the atmosphere and the best part…the other participants. Everyone is just there to have a good time and if getting fit is part of the package…why not huh?
So since it is that time of the year when we all decide to improve our lives…why not find a party and see if like Me……music runs through your veins.

Life in an emerald world

Walking barefooted in mud…if you have never tried it….do so….it soothes you like nothing else. This was something I got to do often as a child and I can still remember how it felt like it was yesterday. The visual in my mind is even stronger and I think about those carefree days when life was lived in moments. When moments were all that mattered. All we focused on was what was going to happen next. Now because of my over active imagination, I was able to make enormous things out of what was available….mansions out of grass clippings…an entire china set out of mud…

I am at a crossroads in life and that makes me nostalgic for days gone by that were carefree but unappreciated. I keep talking about the innocence of childhood in a wholesome environment…I can live in my imagination a lot so basically my thoughts are always very noisy. So that is why I reminisce about childhood when thoughts were simpler and less wishful. Expectations were realistic and often met. Now I wonder where did I take that turn in the road where “I expected not to be disappointed” and “I just don’t expect at all”…yes state of constantly being jaded…where everything is overrated

My Safe Environment

What in the world is that..people say this all the time “this is a safe environment” Does that mean that your will not hurt me? Does that mean that if you hurt me I should remember “it’s because You love me”?…No really what does that mean? That got me to thinking; and since I have an acute sense of awareness of what goes on around me I decided to focus on how we interact with each other. One thing really struck a chord with me. Young children..living in healthy home environment….

Have you ever interacted with someone who knows that they matter….that someone not only loves them but also likes them? Well I have that feeling…and it is great!!!!!! We all have default relationships (you know parents, siblings, co-workers, bible study groups etc.) i.e. we did not necessarily choose them but you “happened” upon them….so you may tolerate each other until you can change the situation to one you like if ever…

I have struggled with a few of these my whole life…but I now know that if I only matter to one person…that I am not only loved, but also liked…mmmh…mmmh. I cannot describe it. I feel safe that I do not have to be anything but me…I can say and do anything because this is a safe environment…I can ask you anything and because you really like and love me you will answer me honestly…not give me the “correct” answer. I love you….I like you……my dear and I thank you for making me finally understand what “a safe environment” really means……

Different Seasons That Lead To Intimacy

We all go through different seasons in life…..I cannot count on all my fingers the lessons I have learned…..relearned and because I can be stubborn had to learn again…
I appreciate all my girlfriends for all the seasons they go through but one lesson I had to relearn recently is I talk way more than they do….I am what you can call a oversharer. I feel compelled to let you into my inner circle too often, too quickly and therefore after a conversation with me one does not feel the need to connect for a looooong time.
Can you believe I actually have moments in my mind where I see myself calling all those I know to tell them my good news..and so now I changed that visual to the world of caller ID where they see that it is me and they think “I want to talk to her but I don’t have time right now” and they don’t take my call…which is good thing because then I will keep my news to myself until it is appropriate…time and person….to share

Keep looking back you will get smacked in your face

In my quest to seek peace at all time I have to recognize my triggers and what sends me to that dark place that sets me reallllly back. My biggest one is trust. If I love you I trust you. I now know this does not mean that you will love me or trust me. I often realize that I am a source of comfort for others and I do not mean that in a good way. What I mean is “you” are glad you have me in your life as a “whew my life aint such a mess”. So we touch base not to lift me up but to elevate yourself. So Boo I am done getting smacked in the face. I am looking ahead cause that is where my future is.